This reminds me of my running days. They say people with shorter legs run faster because our legs move twice as fast. True. I also tend to extend my legs as far as possible while also trying to double up the movements of my legs. One foot forward, then another moves forward. I am ahead. At this time, someone appears next to me, attempting to overcome my speed. I try to be even faster but I feel my legs already extending to its maximum. I realise I can never be faster. I feel that hopelessness as it dawns upon me that I will lose this race. I will lose because this is my limit, this is how fast I can ever be. That someone overtakes me by a step, 2 steps, 3 steps...

Eventually, I lose. As the crowd cheers for the winner, I recover to normal respiration before taking a big sip of water, thinking how no one notices I am the one leading initially. Because to them, results is everything.

Labels: Daily rant

There's this one person I know who doesn't give a shit about the truth, all he cares about is having something to say. All he needs to go on with life is to have something bad to say about other people, regardless of the truth of everything he says. He reaches the edge of passing gossips and is now about to throw himself off the cliff  by creating them.

Labels: Daily rant

I know I probably insult a lot of people, jokingly of course. I mean, that's how I usually communicate with friends I consider close to. Obviously I don't just go around insulting people I'm not close to because they'll take my words seriously. Seriously though...

Anyway, I just wanna emphasize that I won't insult someone whose self-esteem is already low. If someone is already insecure of her looks, I will try to pay her more compliments so she'll feel better about herself. This is because I know how it feels to have a low self-esteem.

If people actually notice, I only insult (I want to emphasize again: jokingly) people who have a mountain high of self-esteem, like if they're always showing off their muscles or always saying how good looking they are. Because I know they won't be affected by whatever other people say, they still feel good about themselves.

However, for someone with low self-esteem like me, when people say that I'm fat or ugly, I take them seriously because to me, their words are actually believable. I mean I'm actually really fat. I currently weigh at over 50 kg. For someone my height, I'm fat.

Which guy doesn't prefer a thin girl, to be honest?

Labels: Daily rant

1. People who like to force me into doing something I don't want to do. 

I know I know. You'd say if I don't want to do something, nobody can force me to. Damn right you are. It's just bloody annoying how people think they have this power over me and that they can just talk me into doing something I really don't want to do. They try to guilt-talk me but I actually just see that as peer freaking pressure. Doesn't mean you're doing something and that means I have to, too. I just don't get it. Sometimes even though I'm not really against a certain idea, I'd stand strong and hold my ground just so they won't have the satisfaction. Why must y'all judge just because I'm not who you want me to be?

2. People who drive fast.

Mum just told me about someone she knew who drove fast and got involved in a car accident. Now he's still unconscious. And another accident where this new driver drove fast and drove into a pole. The entire family in the car died. I don't know why people must drive so freaking fast? I mean there's a reason speed limit exists. I'm a rule-breaker but only rules that don't matter in high school like how we were not allowed to wear ankle socks. You can't drive too slow either because that'll cause accidents too. But if you drive fast just to show off or to appear cool, nope, you're not as cool as you think you are. It's also bloody annoying how so many drivers speed on small roads like hello, what's the freaking point? I can drive fast too, but I choose not to. I don't mind dying but there are actual people on the roads. If I cause an accident, I won't be the only one dying. I try to not be selfish. Speeding and then risking everybody's lives are selfish acts. If you wanna commit suicide, please go consume rat poison or just stab yourself in the heart, don't endanger everybody else. Especially if you have passengers. Usually if I'm driving anybody else, I'd try to drive steadily so they'll feel comfortable and to make sure they'll be safe. Those who can drive are adults, so please act like one.


I don't even know why I'm suddenly so annoyed dhjskdhjkasdak and ignore any mistakes because I'm too lazy to check for errors.

Labels: Daily rant

Do you see me? Do you hear me?

I literally have no idea what I'm doing these days. I don't even know what I feel about most things, but mostly transient emotions I regret having later. I'm easily annoyed and angered by these days, it's like some part of the old me is back? I really hate this about myself though. Who the fuq am I to be angry? Why do people have to follow the principles of my life? I guess I should just be less opinionated, step back and let them do whatever they want as long as it doesn't involve me. I shouldn't have a say to correct anyone's wrongs or to change anything about anyone. Because who the fuq am I, after all? I guess this way I will offend less people?

It's been awhile since I become the emotionless person among my friends. I still laugh and shiz but I don't usually show personal feelings at all. I really don't know what I want to be honest. I know I'm getting more and more 'grey' nowadays, saying things like "we're gonna die soon anyway, chill" or "I don't expect anything but I expect myself to die quite soon, prolly a car accident". I don't wanna give out the negative aura but I can't help it. It's not my fault I just don't have any hopes in life. Like, everyone is really eager to graduate and see the world, but I'm not. Not really. I just immense myself in the past and present. I don't think about the future (because I think there is none for me) neither do I think about whether I'm ever gonna get married and have kids. I just don't think about all these things. Why? Do I not deserve what other people have too? Well, I've long promised to not get jealous about what others have and not hope for anything.

I should continue fulfilling that promise to myself.

Labels: Daily rant

People don't like opinionated people. Opinionated people don't like neutral people. Neutral people like everyone but secretly dislike opinionated people because they are too damn cowardly to express any sort of opinions at all for fear that people will actually notice them and dislike them. Gasp. Grow a pair and accept opinions. Not to say you have to accept them but just try to understand.

I know I've been told that I don't accept others' opinions and I think so too, now that somebody is so kind to remind me that only after I got bitched about that since god-knows-when. I'd really appreciate it if people are just more straightforward in things like that. I really don't mind. You don't see me hating all of you for doing this to me, do you? Because I just wanna prove that I'm the bigger man (or woman, not like it matters).

I deserve to get my mouth blasted off by a reverse bear trap. That'd be the only way you can shut me up. Or not. Because I can still type. 

Labels: Daily rant

Not blaming the rain but maybe it did contribute to how moody I felt today. Lips too heavy to part and form useless words for daily conversations that I used to hate. Facial muscles too lazy to even form the slightest of smiles.

Things have been very confusing for me, so naturally I do my thing. Which is to cancel everything out and just ignore. I just choose to feel numb towards the particular issues so I don't have to feel. I find that I can't handle complicated feelings too much.

When I'm actually happy, I'd feel guilty because somehow I just feel like I don't deserve to be. I'd try all my best so that happiness won't be mine, at least temporarily. W h y? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really not deserve to be happy? Actually, yes I don't.

If you find me sigh every too often (which I myself won't ever notice and I'd deny it when you mention it to me), it probably means I have no idea what shit I'm feeling and am just feeling lost like a freaking lamb. That lump behind your throat when you wanna cry but you don't know what for. The need to just listen to sad songs so I'd have a reason as to why I'm feeling down. I try to make things simple but unfortunately, nothing goes my way. Or maybe I'm just an ungrateful bitch.

I'm sorry.

Labels: Daily rant

                       

All the generally white pictures.

I really need to buck up in my studies. I should try to stay focused. But I'm afraid I'll use up my quota of 'hardworkingness' like how I did last block.

也许过去已经散落 只好独自重新来过

Labels: Daily rant, Pic Spam

One thing that has been bugging me a lot lately is people who have been posting statuses and tweets about their monthsaries.

THERE'S A REASON THERE'S A RED LINE BENEATH THE WORD 'MONTHSARIES' AS I TYPE BECAUSE THIS WORD DOESN'T EXIST. AND THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT.

Well, it's most probably because relationships nowadays can't get past the one-year mark to celebrate an actual anniversary. These people, who are so desperate to celebrate something and waste money, need to celebrate monthsaries. It's so annoying when all these young people celebrate monthsaries or even weeksaries (I don't want to live on this planet anymore) and spend so damn much money on gifts. If you're actually working and stuff then I will shut the hell up. But you're using your parents' hard-earned money to buy Guess bags for your girlfriends and Rolex for your boyfriends. Not legit at all to be honest. Why would your parents wanna earn so much money for you to constantly spend on someone who will eventually break up with you? I'm not mean with the last statement because it does happen. Relationships nowadays just don't last long. Even if they do, one side will just eventually give up and leave the other heartbroken and shit.

And a bish who 'terasa' actually unfollowed me on twitter because I expressed about my annoyance on this issue right after she tweeted, Happy 3rd monthsary, baby!

I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF WITH PEOPLE ON WHATSAPP HAHA.

Immature bunch of people, well, good luck with all your relationships if you have that mindset to just fool around.

Which leads to another issue that annoys me.

You have the mindset that relationships won't last long and just simply jump into one immediately and when you keep wanting to change partners, of course you will experience break-ups constantly. What did you expect?

I hate it when people like this deserve what they get yet they don't think so, so they're always on facebook and twitter wallowing about their sad life and constantly do self-pity.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUQ.

Also, don't act like you're the one person in the world with problems, as if other people lead perfectly happy lives. People die every day, you're just experiencing a break-up, which everyone else does too. I know you're sad but stop making as though you're the only one feeling sad and all. Of course you can be upset but don't go round complaining everyday and everywhere that you don't deserve this break-up because you're this one perfect person nobody should fall out of love with you. Think that maybe you did something wrong, maybe you did wrong somewhere too. Don't be so pathetic. Have some pride.

You brought it upon yourself because those who are always breaking up and always pitying themselves, are usually those cheap guys/girls. You sleep around and go with any guy who shows interest in you even though you don't back, of course there'll be problems when you're actually together. We all outsiders can see that but of course these cheapos can't foresee their future. The irony. If I'm them, I'd be expecting break-ups after about few weeks because yes, these people really do deserve shits that happen to them.

Maybe I shouldn't rant and bitch so much about people.

Live life and laugh out loud :)

Labels: Daily rant

#nowplaying Be Strong - Delta Goodrem

Let it go with the wind, 
time passes us by,
and know that you're allowed to cry.

Life is short, we all know that. I have this odd feeling. It's this feeling I can't grasp that I'm worried about my whole perspective on death.

My brother's schoolmate, Yoon Seck Seong, who was 15 this year, lost a battle to leukemia after about a year and a half. He passed away today.

When I heard about this, at first I thought about all the things he had yet the chance to experience, all the things he hadn't gotten the chance to learn, all the people he hadn't met and all the sunrises he would never see again. On a second thought, he was suffering so much throughout therapies and treatments, it's best if he'd passed away peacefully like how he did. Then I started thinking about how much pain his family members must be feeling right now. No amount of 'I'm sorry' and 'Condolences' will ever be enough to patch up that empty hole at which the broken pieces their son or brother brought along with him when he passed away. I wonder how long will it take for them to live normally again. I also wonder will they ever smile and mean it anymore.

From what I've seen, yes, people will eventually be fine but it just never will be the same.

'Cause when you're in you're darkest hour, 
and all of the light just fades away,
when you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray, 
well, hang on and be strong. 

Labels: Daily rant, Random thoughts, Rants

I wonder exactly when I'll finally let go, let go of that invisible string of useless thoughts that are obviously pulling me down and hindering me from being normal. Tired of the questions, tired of trying to avoid unnecessary scrutinizing from others who are just trying to find something odd enough to talk about. Suddenly I understand why I keep to myself and why others don't really dare to ask me personal stuff anymore. Am I that obvious?

I constantly ask the question why to every possibility there is. Why me? Why not me?

I gave up on the world, as it did me.

Labels: Daily rant

EOC 2 is next week. I barely even studied anything. I finished revising for 2 subjects already but after a conversation on the phone with my dad, I realize I don't even know a thing. I was crying but he didn't know. Everything he mentioned, I know it but I just am not clear about it. I don't know whether it's my lecturers' fault or mine. It's most probably the latter. I mean, if everyone else can do well but me, it surely is my own problem. I'm too stupid for this course. My brain doesn't and refuses to work anymore.

No matter how much I study, I cannot remember anything. I cannot understand anything. I knew I wasn't going to survive this course. I just didn't think I'd lose so early into the battle. How is it that I study so much (for my standard) yet not know anything?

Please give me a chance, please.

Labels: Daily rant

I'm not academically bright. 

Okay I suppose that didn't give the bam I thought it would because everybody knows that fact already.

I'm one lazy ass, I'm quite amazed at how much I procrastinate and do nothing and just refuse to do anything productive, at all. I can just sit for hours and literally do nothing of any significance. I'm a last-minute worker. If I have some assignment due tomorrow, I can't do it in the morning of the day before, I have to wait till night to rush. I don't even know why I'm like that. I just am. Sigh..

My chinese used to suck so bad because before kindergarten, I spoke English full time at home. My mum told me one day when she came to pick me up from school, I came running happily to her holding an exam paper. A chinese exam paper with a big fat 0 on it. Why am I so brilliant sometimes? But oddly, I grew to like chinese, a lot. Even when I transferred from chinese school to english school, I took chinese tuition classes. I even took chinese for PMR and SPM. Not bad huh? I got an A for PMR but a B+ for SPM. But people kept telling me it's considered as good because I didn't learn chinese in school, only the tuition classes once a week. Well, it's sort of true. I know I'm shameless haha.

Anyway, I have a significant amount of hatred towards my primary school, AMC. It's such a horrible place for children grow up in. The teachers are so mean and sarcastic to young kids. What is their problem? I used to stand up for my friends a lot when teachers started hitting them with red pens and when the teachers scolded them without valid reasons. Why am I so brave actually? They are freaking creepy okay. Once, I sprained my ankle so I wore my simplest sandals I had. When I limped into the school compound, the discipline teacher thought it'd be amusing to tease me by telling another girl, Eh look at her sandals, so exagerrated. I merely shot her a glance and sat down. Inside,Ｉwas boiling because those really were my simplest pair of sandals! What did she expect? We were all very intimidated by the teachers there. Freaking not approachable. Second of all, the people there. I had a few good friends but very few I still keep in touch with. My impression is that they don't know how to have fun. It's really boring and dead. We fussed over homeworks everyday in school. Teachers gave us at least 10 homeworks everyday. Once, we even had like 25. Wtf. And none of us protested. Do you see how scary these people are? I didn't enjoy the process there at all. The only thing I look forward to everyday is the early morning pong practice. And sports period.

OH AND ONE MORE THING. THEY MADE US PICK LEAVES BAREHANDED EVERY MORNING FROM THE FIELD. WHO DOES THAT TO STUDENTS IF I MAY ASK.

Back to my point. I was always in the first class although my position in class was usually in the middle. I'm only an average student. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. But then I thought again, who said if I work hard I can be on top? I can't either, so why not chill and be average. I'm such a lousy student. But at least then I can have a life. However, towards the last 2 years of primary schooling, my results got better, my position got better.

One thing I regretted was that I couldn't join the training for table tennis state players. My coach chose me to join the training but dad said it'd interrupt my studies even more because I would study even less. If I knew that would happen, I would've studied harder earlier on just so I could join the training.

My parents then decided it's only optimum if I transferred from chinese school to english school. Best of both worlds. I regret nothing. I remember I didn't make a fuss about it, I don't know, it's just that I had no fond memories of that place so why not transfer?

I was at first very lost at MGS because I didn't know anybody. I had 2 not-very-close friends at that time who went with me, they too transferred from another school. But then I was arranged to be in the first class. And hell, that was one year I'd still miss. Our class was so close and inseparable. I enjoyed all the 5 years at MGS. The people I met are so much better. The teachers are so awesome and nice. They love us, we love them :)

I participated in sports, marching, class choir, class drama, pesta ria and quizzes. I miss those times to be honest, I miss my secondary school friends.

In secondary school, I was also always in the first class but my position was also always in the middle. My position occasionally increased a little bit but still, I was never even the top ten. I just couldn't bear the thought of having to study so hard just to get top 10. I didn't see the significance in doing that. Once again, my lousiness as a student is being emphasized lmao. It's quite amazing how I almost never studied but still can stay in the top class. Lucky bish.

I seriously only studied last minute for all the exams in my entire life before college. One night before. Why was I so chill and relaxed last time?

College. I did very bad for my first semester. I didn't study at all technically, not even for finals. I thought I did but when I thought again, I really didn't focus. I then tried to change my way of studying for the 2nd semester. I studied almost everyday and started studying for finals at least two weeks earlier. Everyone around me was so stressed up. So stress can be contagious haha. I would say I did quite well for the 2nd semester considering my level of intelligence, or lack thereof. Because even when I study, I'm not the all-stressed-up kind, I just study, really casually. So I can't hope for too much. I did okay for 3rd semester as well and managed to meet the requirement for MBBS.

See, I told you I'm always average. Just enough. Never the top brilliant genius in class. I just breeze past everything like a boss. Is this considered as lucky or what?

My housemate was saying, you're so different from other medic students. 

Because you never look stressed. Because you watch football. Because you watch Olympics. Because you're super into K-Pop. Because you go to concerts. Because you go out, quite often for a med student. Because you still keep up with gossips. Because you're not anti-social.

Well, I just feel like there's no point in only studying. I still do what I'm interested in while studying. I don't wanna waste away my uni life just like that. At least I try.

I did average again for my first EOC test.

WHY AM I ALWAYS AVERAGE.

That I gotta blame on myself. I just can't make myself to be like a recluse and be forever hiding somewhere studying my butt off. Like, only studying. No entertainment whatsoever. I just can't. It's super depressing. Especially when I know even if I really do that, I might not get good grades too. Well, there are people like that; they study really hard but their hard work don't pay off. It's inborn. Can't blame me. At least, I don't study too hard and get average grade. That's acceptable.

I hope I can be those super hardworking people and end up to be my class's genius :D

JUST JOKING. I WON'T AND I CAN'T.

I shall go back to being just me. The average me.

Labels: Daily life, Daily rant, Rants

Is it me, or everybody else?

If you know me well, I really hate to get too close to people because that's when I'll find out about their little habits and hidden thoughts that are well, hidden before I really know them. It's not that I'm picky about friends. I'm nice to everybody. I look a little fierce that's all, blame the genes on my dad. We seriously have the same stern look but when I talk to people I don't know, at least now I try really hard to be all smiley and bubbly just to make things less awkward. Yes, I do try hard in friendships because I realize, what is life without friends? I admit I'm still as straight forward as ever but I try to make things sound not so bad because I don't wanna offend anybody in the process.

But to be honest, friends were never my top priority, as in I'm not those girls who are super clingy to friends and will throw tantrums if my best friend suddenly grows close to another person. Oh one situation excluded though where two of my friends get together, as in couple up, and ignore the world. I really hate that, especially when both whom I care about neglect their studies just to spend time with each other. I think it's super immature and plain stupid. It's just not worth it and I'm right about it not gonna work out because the two of you have broken up. (yes I'm talking about a specific couple here) But well, it's kinda hard to use your brain if you don't have one right?

My parents asked me, If you're always annoyed by part of people's personalities, then what do you expect? You wanna find perfect friends?

I gave it a thought. No, I'm not saying I need my friends to be perfect. Nobody can be. I then concluded, I don't mind if my friends are lame, loud, quiet, act like a know-it-all or etc but if guys who I'm gonna care for more than friends, then I will mind. I will start to be annoyed at their attitude or personality because I just don't think I can be close to these kind of people, especially even closer than usual friends. I'm insulted if other people associate me with the said guys I mentioned, like seriously. You can see the annoyance on my face, I don't bother hiding emotions sometimes. It's the little things that make me distant myself, I mean, come on, there will be some flaws you cannot stand in people right? There has to be.

Another thing, guys nowadays are so childish and immature. I mean, it's okay for friends to be that way because it's kinda fun to be around them, talking nonsense most of the time. But for someone who wanna be with me and for someone with the.. ahem.. potential to be, I cannot accept that you're more immature than me seriously. Like, how the hell you come up with such a lame idea or joke whatever. I just stare at them disbelievingly. Dude, are you freaking serious? Is this some kind of reality show? You don't have to act older, just act your age, I'll be more than glad. I know they care, I know they mean well, but I cannot. When I look at a potential relationship, I look at it as forever. Nothing less.

Next thought is, I'm full of flaws myself, so why do people still love me? How do they accept me as a whole? I don't get it.

I suppose there has to be a threshold of love and affection enough for you to overlook someone's flaws and whatnot. I just need to find the someone that I can do that for. I found him once but he got away. Life sucks, my professor said. It's true, damn true. No doubt I'm going through a phase where everybody questions how come I don't have a boyfriend yet.

BISH, I JUST DON'T HAVE AND DON'T WANT TO HAVE ONE. PROBLEM?

I'm freakin 19. A lot of friends are 19 or 20 years old and haven't been with anyone before too. It's just that we're careful. We just don't want to go through unnecessary breakups because our medicine course is too hectic for us to be moping and crying and complaining every single day. But funny how I have time to type out this post.

Nah, the right time will come, a friend told me. 

Now talking about a specific couple in my class. They've known each other for only two months and they got together already. There are two kinds of couples: one where everybody says they'll break up and hope they'll get off each other's faces, second where everyone goes 'aww so cute'. They are the latter. They look good together. And today when my friend told the girl that her facebook friend said she's pretty, the guy went like, 'Yeah she's so pretty right?' and looked at her lovingly. I mean, how cute is that? No sarcasm intended here, I'm truly happy for a couple for once.

Well, there are some annoying couples around who break up constantly and get together with another human being, pretending their past relationships didn't mean anything to them, saying 'my best boyfriend ever' in every single new relationship. Aren't they tired? Of falling in love and falling out of it? Doesn't it at least hurt? Why are these people so heartless nowadays? I just can't.

I'm not ready to trust. I'm not ready to hurt. I'm not ready for anything, for anyone at all.

Labels: Daily rant, Random thoughts

ODG JJANG WOOYOUNG'S ALBUM IS DAE TO THE BAK SRSLY OMG. HEAVEN ON EARTH. HIS MV RELEASED LAST NIGHT OMGGGGG CRYINGGGG.

LOOK AT THIS PERFECTION. I'M SO PROUD OF WOOBB AND THANKFUL THAT JYP GAVE HIM THIS CHANCE TO SHINE. JUST HIM ALONE. TO SHINE ;____;

   Major pic spam. Again. Anyway.. Here are some outfits of the day. Since I've been told I haven't had many pictures with friends, here are a few on Ian's advanced birthday sorta-party haha. Us girls with Ian. He said he was 世界上最幸福的男人. He was so surprised cuz class rep lied and said it was something about ptptn. But came to the cafeteria to find the whole class with a birthday cake there haha. Then 'syok sendiri party' using my phone's awesome camera. Ten, Me, Jia Ling, Pui San and Ying Xin. We look too happy here idk why. Ten, Jia Ling, Me, Ying Xin, Pui San and Jue Chuan (what was he trying to do). Jue Chuan, Me, Ten, Vanessa and Pui San. Me and Hezron :D This was before we went to The Mines. My parents came so obviously we went to have nice food hehehe. Ending this post with a very happy mummy

Labels: Daily life, Daily rant, Pic spams

Labels: Daily rant

Labels: Daily rant

Labels: Babbles, Daily rant

I went home. Time passed so fast and I'm back here again.






Parents and brother sitting on the floor watching Lee Chong Wei play against Lee Hyun Il.


2.5 months, & I be gone from this place.

Labels: Daily life, Daily rant

We all have the same problem, don't we? We feel like we don't get what we want, we feel like what we do is never enough, we feel like we're always on the losing end of everything we do, we rarely get praises, we feel like we fail as a person just because we fail in one single thing that will seem so insignificant when we go on further in our respective lives.

Or maybe it's just me.

It's because we always want more than what we can get that we forgot to appreciate the little things in life that we do get. We forgot to take a moment to look at the pretty flowers by the roadside throughout our journey, we forgot how amazing it is that we can walk while others are struggling with even more disabilities, we forgot how thankful we should be even to wake up the next day and are still breathing. We don't usually notice that we already accomplish a lot along the way until way way further in the future.

I'm not excluded in this situation. I still think I don't get what I want, I still think I'm lacking at a lot of things when others are already on the way to succeed, I still think I don't deserve whatever I wish for because I just don't give enough no matter how determined I am, no matter how hardworking I am. It doesn't pay off like it does to everybody else.

Why am I not everybody else?


Is there a point in your life where you just suddenly feel energy draining out of your body along with your initial determination and enthusiasm as if at that moment when your tired body sag, nothing else matters? I cannot let this happen. I will just fight back harder. I don't want to even see disappointment flutter across my parents' faces when they know I failed. Because I won't and that's that.

I may lose a battle, but I promise I will win the war.

Labels: Daily rant, Random thoughts