Sunday, September 5, 2010 // 0 comment(s)
We stayed over at aunt's apartment again last night. We had breakfast and I loved my Yong Chow fried rice.
It's exceptionally easy for you to do according to whatever you want. You are selfish. You don't sit down and think what's best for other people, okay maybe you don't really have to sit down and all but why not pause for a second to think what's the impact of your irresponsible actions on others? Seriously, everyone else may not be thinking about others all the time but at least we are average in everything we do. We may hurt people but also, it's always unintentional. Unlike what you do. You can only think about you and yourself. I don't see the point in hurting someone who actually trusts you, unlike the rest of us. That someone is kind and ends up being used by you. I think I should stay away because I don't like you and everything about you.
It was always easy for me to slack and do nothing because, I don't know, because things were always easier last time? Maybe. Now, it's getting harder and it's weighing on me I can hardly breathe. The tons and tons of everything, homework, exams, lectures, lies and sorrow. When am I going to be truly happy again? I found something that makes me happy and yet everyone and everyone else is trying to pull me away but I don't give up. I stay on and strong.
You never knew why I left
I couldn't tell and let you wept
Your tears like the rain
All over but clear and sane.
Maybe, just maybe one day you would understand
All the things I did and never did
Forgive me and take me back
I never meant to hurt and never had.
My favourite number is 4, just like you.
I MISS XANGA.
Friday, September 3, 2010 // 0 comment(s)
Determination burned in her eyes. I couldn't do that to her.
Strong willpower makes anyone desperate.
It had been months. I stopped her from following me to my practices, concerts and interviews. I stopped her from giving me her love, her gentle touches and caring speeches. I completely blocked her out of my life and me. I hated myself for a very long time, it never did fade, I thought it would never ever fade off. Not like the coffee stain on my shirt, not the stain of tears on my cheeks nor the hatred in her eyes. How could I ever ask her to forgive me?
Maknae of a group had to have the cleanest image of all. I had to keep myself away from scandals and rumours. The truth was, I didn't care about my image. I cared about her, her image and her heart. I knew she would be heartbroken when the papparazzi spread all those hurtful rumours. I was trying to protect her. In my own very way. I had to do that. But she would never forgive me. I was her first love.
I rubbed my eyes and stared at the ceiling.
Forgive and forget?
I saw her out on the street a few week ago. It was winter. It was such a beautiful sight I wanted to capture it down by all means. I took a picture of her. Looking up at the sky. Wanting to catch the snow and put it in her mouth. Her arms raised and lips carved upwards. I stared at this picture for so many times I could even sketch it out. She wore the red scarf I gave her, it was carefully hidden beneath her beige coat. It was her favourite coat. I smiled when I saw her doing this. We used to always do that when the first snow fell. This time, she was with no one. She was alone. But she still smiled. She still managed to smile. But me?
Someone stained the snow black.
I did all the things I needed to hurt her. She didn't want to leave. I guess she was bleeding so much she left me. She was my inspiration since then. I never ever forgot bout her. Never.
I didn't need her to forgive me. I just needed her to know I love her.
You know you are forgiven when the birds soar by.