Why, why is it so difficult for people to actually care for their friends and listen when they need to talk? Why is it so damn difficult to just be there and listen? I mean, how difficult is that? I can never understand.

I've learnt to rarely tell anyone anything or even to rant because I know no one actually cares shit about me and that they are not willing to listen what I've got to say. But friends told me to open up or else feelings are gonna be forever cooped up within me and it's unhealthy.

It's not that I didn't try. I honestly tried. And god, what feels worse than so-called bunch of friends who just laugh your problems off and literally connect your frigging problem to theirs, then conveniently change the topic back to them? Like wow, you must be more important than me because we're always, always only talking about your problem.

It's because I'm a listener. I'm willing to listen. You come to me with any problem, I might not be able to help out but at least I try to talk and make you talk so you'd feel better. I will be actually worried if my friends are not okay.

So why can't anyone do the same for me? 

Labels: Rants

Precarious.

That's what my dad describes me as.

It seems like I've breezed through exams all my life. I study so little but expect so much. However I learnt to sooner or later to not expect anything if I don't put in effort. So now, I can't say I've studied enough but at least I know that I've studied everything that is taught. So my university decides that it's funny to see me flop over and just die, they proceed to set the questions to difficulty level of maximum. Thanks.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO SAD AFTER TAKING AN EXAM. To be honest, I cried a few times just thinking about how my results will be. Whether I'll pass or I'll really be the flop of the family and fail. Every morning when I wake up and every night before sleeping, I'd think and think and think. Endlessly. So I just pray that whatever I've done is good enough.

It's really depressing if I'm to fail at this. To think you've spent so so so much time studying and actually worked hard for this. To think you've come so close yet it's so far away. To think how much a disappointment you'd be to your parents and everyone who thought of you as an intelligent person. To think how much sadness I'd feel piling on me, suffocating me.

Okay, it's actually not as bad as you think it is. It's just my 1st professional MBBS exam. If I fail this time, I can actually retake. But I have to first be robbed of my 6-week semester break and study for another 6 weeks. That's frigging depressing. Think about it. Mainly because for my course, our semester breaks are usually only one-week long!

Am I a clever person? That's what everyone says but I certainly don't feel so, at all. Firstly, intelligence is not judged merely on your results. Even so, my results aren't even remotely close to good. People keep saying, you put in so little effort but you manage to still stay in the top class throughout. Well, yes. But I'm still not the top 10 students in my class! Plus, being in this course for a year, my self-esteem became non-existent. Hello? All these smarties in my class. How do they even manage to do so well? How?

Then I started thinking that I can't possibly be the best, there will always be someone better than the best. I can only continue to do my best and hope for the best.

The one thing that matters most for now is that, I pass my 1st professional MBBS exam and I can proceed to year 2! 

And this is an unglam picture of me laughing. Shot by Seng Hoo. On my birthday <3 p="">

Labels: Rants

#nowplaying Be Strong - Delta Goodrem

Let it go with the wind, 
time passes us by,
and know that you're allowed to cry.

Life is short, we all know that. I have this odd feeling. It's this feeling I can't grasp that I'm worried about my whole perspective on death.

My brother's schoolmate, Yoon Seck Seong, who was 15 this year, lost a battle to leukemia after about a year and a half. He passed away today.

When I heard about this, at first I thought about all the things he had yet the chance to experience, all the things he hadn't gotten the chance to learn, all the people he hadn't met and all the sunrises he would never see again. On a second thought, he was suffering so much throughout therapies and treatments, it's best if he'd passed away peacefully like how he did. Then I started thinking about how much pain his family members must be feeling right now. No amount of 'I'm sorry' and 'Condolences' will ever be enough to patch up that empty hole at which the broken pieces their son or brother brought along with him when he passed away. I wonder how long will it take for them to live normally again. I also wonder will they ever smile and mean it anymore.

From what I've seen, yes, people will eventually be fine but it just never will be the same.

'Cause when you're in you're darkest hour, 
and all of the light just fades away,
when you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray, 
well, hang on and be strong. 

Labels: Daily rant, Random thoughts, Rants

I'm not academically bright. 

Okay I suppose that didn't give the bam I thought it would because everybody knows that fact already.

I'm one lazy ass, I'm quite amazed at how much I procrastinate and do nothing and just refuse to do anything productive, at all. I can just sit for hours and literally do nothing of any significance. I'm a last-minute worker. If I have some assignment due tomorrow, I can't do it in the morning of the day before, I have to wait till night to rush. I don't even know why I'm like that. I just am. Sigh..

My chinese used to suck so bad because before kindergarten, I spoke English full time at home. My mum told me one day when she came to pick me up from school, I came running happily to her holding an exam paper. A chinese exam paper with a big fat 0 on it. Why am I so brilliant sometimes? But oddly, I grew to like chinese, a lot. Even when I transferred from chinese school to english school, I took chinese tuition classes. I even took chinese for PMR and SPM. Not bad huh? I got an A for PMR but a B+ for SPM. But people kept telling me it's considered as good because I didn't learn chinese in school, only the tuition classes once a week. Well, it's sort of true. I know I'm shameless haha.

Anyway, I have a significant amount of hatred towards my primary school, AMC. It's such a horrible place for children grow up in. The teachers are so mean and sarcastic to young kids. What is their problem? I used to stand up for my friends a lot when teachers started hitting them with red pens and when the teachers scolded them without valid reasons. Why am I so brave actually? They are freaking creepy okay. Once, I sprained my ankle so I wore my simplest sandals I had. When I limped into the school compound, the discipline teacher thought it'd be amusing to tease me by telling another girl, Eh look at her sandals, so exagerrated. I merely shot her a glance and sat down. Inside,Ｉwas boiling because those really were my simplest pair of sandals! What did she expect? We were all very intimidated by the teachers there. Freaking not approachable. Second of all, the people there. I had a few good friends but very few I still keep in touch with. My impression is that they don't know how to have fun. It's really boring and dead. We fussed over homeworks everyday in school. Teachers gave us at least 10 homeworks everyday. Once, we even had like 25. Wtf. And none of us protested. Do you see how scary these people are? I didn't enjoy the process there at all. The only thing I look forward to everyday is the early morning pong practice. And sports period.

OH AND ONE MORE THING. THEY MADE US PICK LEAVES BAREHANDED EVERY MORNING FROM THE FIELD. WHO DOES THAT TO STUDENTS IF I MAY ASK.

Back to my point. I was always in the first class although my position in class was usually in the middle. I'm only an average student. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. But then I thought again, who said if I work hard I can be on top? I can't either, so why not chill and be average. I'm such a lousy student. But at least then I can have a life. However, towards the last 2 years of primary schooling, my results got better, my position got better.

One thing I regretted was that I couldn't join the training for table tennis state players. My coach chose me to join the training but dad said it'd interrupt my studies even more because I would study even less. If I knew that would happen, I would've studied harder earlier on just so I could join the training.

My parents then decided it's only optimum if I transferred from chinese school to english school. Best of both worlds. I regret nothing. I remember I didn't make a fuss about it, I don't know, it's just that I had no fond memories of that place so why not transfer?

I was at first very lost at MGS because I didn't know anybody. I had 2 not-very-close friends at that time who went with me, they too transferred from another school. But then I was arranged to be in the first class. And hell, that was one year I'd still miss. Our class was so close and inseparable. I enjoyed all the 5 years at MGS. The people I met are so much better. The teachers are so awesome and nice. They love us, we love them :)

I participated in sports, marching, class choir, class drama, pesta ria and quizzes. I miss those times to be honest, I miss my secondary school friends.

In secondary school, I was also always in the first class but my position was also always in the middle. My position occasionally increased a little bit but still, I was never even the top ten. I just couldn't bear the thought of having to study so hard just to get top 10. I didn't see the significance in doing that. Once again, my lousiness as a student is being emphasized lmao. It's quite amazing how I almost never studied but still can stay in the top class. Lucky bish.

I seriously only studied last minute for all the exams in my entire life before college. One night before. Why was I so chill and relaxed last time?

College. I did very bad for my first semester. I didn't study at all technically, not even for finals. I thought I did but when I thought again, I really didn't focus. I then tried to change my way of studying for the 2nd semester. I studied almost everyday and started studying for finals at least two weeks earlier. Everyone around me was so stressed up. So stress can be contagious haha. I would say I did quite well for the 2nd semester considering my level of intelligence, or lack thereof. Because even when I study, I'm not the all-stressed-up kind, I just study, really casually. So I can't hope for too much. I did okay for 3rd semester as well and managed to meet the requirement for MBBS.

See, I told you I'm always average. Just enough. Never the top brilliant genius in class. I just breeze past everything like a boss. Is this considered as lucky or what?

My housemate was saying, you're so different from other medic students. 

Because you never look stressed. Because you watch football. Because you watch Olympics. Because you're super into K-Pop. Because you go to concerts. Because you go out, quite often for a med student. Because you still keep up with gossips. Because you're not anti-social.

Well, I just feel like there's no point in only studying. I still do what I'm interested in while studying. I don't wanna waste away my uni life just like that. At least I try.

I did average again for my first EOC test.

WHY AM I ALWAYS AVERAGE.

That I gotta blame on myself. I just can't make myself to be like a recluse and be forever hiding somewhere studying my butt off. Like, only studying. No entertainment whatsoever. I just can't. It's super depressing. Especially when I know even if I really do that, I might not get good grades too. Well, there are people like that; they study really hard but their hard work don't pay off. It's inborn. Can't blame me. At least, I don't study too hard and get average grade. That's acceptable.

I hope I can be those super hardworking people and end up to be my class's genius :D

JUST JOKING. I WON'T AND I CAN'T.

I shall go back to being just me. The average me.

Labels: Daily life, Daily rant, Rants

I've finally turned into someone I have always afraid of becoming. They turned me into a monster.


I hate the current me. I'm everything I used to hate.

Labels: Rants

Everyone keeps telling me I look pale and very much thinner! The latter is the best compliment ever. Even though that is just because I'd been vomiting my stomach out and I'd no appetite to eat at all for the past 4 days. My jeans are all so damn loose and according to my friends, it's kinda obvious. I LIKE. Nahh, it's ok. Now that my appetite is coming back and I can eat rice already, I'm gonna gain all the weight I lost.

Labels: Daily life, Rants

I feel like such a bad person right now. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I feel so bad. I feel like I betrayed somebody. It's wrong yet I can't help it. I don't know what to do. It's not that serious or anything. But just to let the world know, I feel sorry for having these thoughts in my head. I'm sorry.

Labels: Daily rant, Rants

Is it possible to feel so lonely even when you're standing with your friends, listening to all their jokes, watching them have fun and laughing along with them? 

Labels: Babbles, Rants

Labels: Rants

Labels: Rants

I'm better.

But then again, since when do things ever go right for me?

Labels: Rants

Only cute guy in class has a girlfriend. FML.

SO EXCITED GOING TO SEE U-KISS TOMORROW IF NOTHING GOES WRONG YAY!

Labels: Rants, U-Kiss

It was one of the things I'd promise to not do, I swore to myself. I couldn't help it. Maybe it wasn't my fault, maybe it was. I am weak. I don't like to admit that but sometimes, for some certain things, I am. Most of the time I consider myself strong but what to do when something like this comes along to ruin my perfectly planned confidence?


I want an answer.
I want to know that I'm not worth it.
I want to see the words scrambling out of your mouth.
I need to know how little I worth to you so that I can go away.
& I have never wanted something so much.

Song of the day: I'll Back Off So You Can Live-G.Na feat. JunHyung

Labels: Rants

This is seriously a strange turn of event. I am very very confused right now. What the hell is happening? And how can someone care so little? How? I don't understand. 一点嫉妒都没有吗?








HAHA :D

Obsessed with: ♫ 天地一斗-周杰伦
                        ♫ 如果你也听说-张惠妹
                        ♫ 0330-U-Kiss

My Man...I'm Not Your Man OH GOSH HIS DIMPLES ARE SO ADORABLEEEE ♥

Labels: Fangirl moment, Rants, Songs

My dad asked me to pretend I'm normal during NS. As in, don't complain, don't use the fan, don't scream, don't be pissy, don't look so damned fierce and all. He said to pretend I'm happy, pretend I like whatever there is to like, pretend I'm fine. No worries, I'm actually good at all those already if no one knows that I am good already.

If I want it to be known, I will and I won't hide. If I want it to be a secret, it's easy to hide and pretend. Normally those secrets are private, nothing to do with gossips and hatred or whatever. If I don't like you, I don't. I won't even bother pretending that I do because what's the point of going through so much trouble for someone I don't like? That is precisely why I can't stand every friend that I have. Now that I think of it, I have no friends now. I'll start all over again and probably find a true friend for my own sake. Or maybe I won't since it's not that important anyway.

I'll be off in a week's time. That's all I've got before I run off to an unknown campsite to die there. If I make it back here alive, I'll be here after 2 and half months.

Shut up, emo self.

***********

Ok finishing Playful Kiss, finally. I REALLY HATE THOSE KISSING SCENES OK. I feel like Hyunjoong is freakin cheating on me. Urgh acnyejelwpafmwow!! Btw his smile is so awesome I fell in love with him all over again, is this even possible? How can you love someone so much and feel that you fall in love with that person again? JAEMIDA! ;D

I might be tagging along with sis and her friends for movie tmrw. Yay. Because I'm so sien rn hmph. I'll upload some pics kthxbai.

***********


SS501 영원히 사랑


얼마 전 슈퍼 주니어를 사랑 나든간에, 당신은 여전히 최고!

<3

Labels: Rants, SS501

It means school everyday plus piles of papers as homework to prepare us for damned SPM plus results for trials. Mofu! I feel like crying now. I need my bbs, eodiya? ;___;


I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TMRW. 


Blah. Pic spam time! Gotta watch badminton now too. :D

KyuMin. My all time fav couple. :D

EunHae. World wide fav couple.

KyuWook. Cutest couple ever! Makes me wanna bawl at their marriage one day. T.T
Where can you get a smile this serene? My bias. ♥

So this is why I love you, Sungmin? Rofl.

Bb Hyukjae I love you, beautiful sakdfhciw.

FIRST LOVE = Donghae.

Best leader ever, nae sarang Leeteuk.

 URINEUN SUPERJUNI O-REYO.

Okay my mood is blahblahblah whenever I think of that imaginary instruments moment in ss3. Ohgash. Looking at our beautiful angel trying to hold back his tears, all I want to do is have him in my arms and tell him that everything will be okay, you have us, and our love. This is sad but at least you have us. SIGH.

Labels: Daily life, Leeteuk, Pic Spam, Rants, Super Junior

I want to wake up and find that these are not real. I want to wake up to happiness. I want to wake up and see what I wish for. Can you please give me that, God? I'm waiting. 2 years. That's long.

*

I don't want to be a doctor. YOU want to be, YOU are one. But I'm not as smart as YOU are. I can't. I'm not hardworking enough. Can YOU leave me alone? YOU cannot degrade all other jobs. Please leave me alone. Bye.

Labels: Rants, Wishes

Saengil chuka hae~ ^^

*

I get so annoyed these days I don't even know why anymore. I get annoyed with everyone and everyone else. I don't understand myself. They annoy me with their words, actions, inconsideratity, ignorance, stupidity, shallowness.. They can annoy me just by appearing. They annoy me with their stupid useless attention-seeking laughter. They annoy me by feeling superior of others. They just annoy me. Everyone. Gah. Probably it's the weather. Or maybe not. I need to write poems. To lash out my anger. Yesh. Way better than causing a scene and just scream at whoever who annoys me. Those guys in red Honda shirt who made some stupid shouting noise at me when I went and stood behind the curtain to get some warmth from the Sun. Instead I got the noise from them. Buggers. I was watching Bak Kut Teh. I think my dream is to have a Bak Kut Teh shop in Korea. Alone. :)

I still need to write poems. Not of the colour RED anymore. Anna is boring. HAHA. I wanna bitch about people who annoys me. In all the ways I've stated above. I don't wanna be annoyed. How? I wanna write poems in Mandarin. I wanna write lyrics. I wanna draw. I wanna write stories. But there is no one more interesting to write about Anna. So should I write stories? Or not? I think better not. Anna is gonna think Im so obsessed with her. I am not. But I should continue pretending to be obsessed with her because it is fun. Without this fake obsession, imagine, school is going to be sooooo boring let's faint together.

I is annoyed.

Goodnight. Might be going Anderson. Might not be.

Labels: 2AM Changmin, Celebration, Daily life, Rants

First of all, I can't stand people who are fake. Fake as in they suck up to teachers and act as if it's normal to suck up to teachers. ANNOYING. And worse is, teachers don't know bout the sucking up because they themselves are enjoying it. Yep buggers. These people who suck up to teachers might be happy for short term but what they don't know is everyone hates them. Maybe not all the time but WHEN they are sucking up. Or soon after that. Seriously, what's the point if all your friends are your teachers? Me, for example. I can't talk to a teacher like a friend because they are just simply not my friend. I don't have a best friend but I don't substitute a best friend's position with a teacher who is like 3 time or 4 times my age. How appropriate. You don't just talk rudely to teachers because well, you like them they like you blah blah.I don't despise these people all the time. I dont know. Its weird. Normally they are okay. Just normal. UNTIL they start talking bout teachers OUTSIDE of school and blahblahblah or texting teachers or whatever lah. Blah.

Another thing is, you know a lot of us do work when a teacher is talking nonsense slash babbling slash talking bout other people's boyfriends and all because we just are not interested. Then when the particular teacher walk by, they will all fake and hide everything quickly even if the teacher saw already. WTF? I can't do that. If the teacher didn't see yet then it's okay. But when the teacher saw already? Gosh. That is like so fake. No wonder I can't act.

Then, a lot of them say, Oh I hate this person because blahblahblah and pretend to make the disgusted face. But you know what? They make use that particular person they hate just because they are very 'kiasu' and scared of losing and because the person is smart and a genius and they can benefit from the person even if they hate the person. OMG. I can't believe there are people like this out there. It's scary. It's freaking me out. No way I can tolerate. But it's none of my business. It's just annpying. You guys hang out everyday pretending to be close friends. Thing is you hate each other but you thought you can make use of each other so you guys stick together and drown your hatred and fill your self with all those pretentious emotions and hide your true feelings. ALL for exams. FYL.

Probably it doesn't matter to you people because although you guys keep saying you are not 'kiasu', you guys actually are. Very. It's like you get so stressed up until you get mad and frustrated and you refuse to talk or whatsoever not that I care. I just put on my poker face all the time. I don't get pissed because of exams, okay maybe I'll just whine but that's it.

Probably it's only me who can't stand all these fake personalities. Maybe I'm just being too honest sometimes. Not my feelings. Just honest bout some other things. Maybe I should learn how to act. Not only for myself. But act to like people I don't like, act to not like people I like, act to get away from bad stuff I did, act to get good results and act to act. Probably it's better this way.


********************************************************

If you read my previous post, I said that most probably teachers are not gonna give back any papers. I was soooo wrong. Every single teacher who came in class dropped the bomb on us and said bye. Yep. 6 papers. Add maths maths english history bm chemistry. Boooo. Let us all forget bout the A+ thing. Its annoying me. Cincha. Ugh.


Holidays is here! You know what? Teachers gave sooooooo many holiday homework I kinda of wish to not have holidays at all. Then maybe we wont have so many homeworks. Right? Hmm. Every single subject there's a homework. Some even up to 4 sets. Chogosipo! I finished history just now. HAHA. And half of BM. They even gave us the timetable. To do which subject on which day. Which hour. Its like 9-11am. And 8-10pm. GOD. Seriously. Takkan I have to wake up so early just to do the work and how to sleep back lah? I rather do from 8-12. But that aint gonna happen. Im gonna try to do alot during the weekend and do other things on weekdays. HEES.


Changed my braces to BLUE. GUESS WHY? :DDDD


Kaiyi just annoyed me in MSN. Cos she said OH! so freaking big. HAHAHAHA. But she doesnt know that she annoyed me. Unless she reads this post. HI LIANGKAIYI. Im so sorry I cant call you kaiqi anymore. Lol.

Labels: Rants