Not blaming the rain but maybe it did contribute to how moody I felt today. Lips too heavy to part and form useless words for daily conversations that I used to hate. Facial muscles too lazy to even form the slightest of smiles.

Things have been very confusing for me, so naturally I do my thing. Which is to cancel everything out and just ignore. I just choose to feel numb towards the particular issues so I don't have to feel. I find that I can't handle complicated feelings too much.

When I'm actually happy, I'd feel guilty because somehow I just feel like I don't deserve to be. I'd try all my best so that happiness won't be mine, at least temporarily. W h y? Why do I do this to myself? Do I really not deserve to be happy? Actually, yes I don't.

If you find me sigh every too often (which I myself won't ever notice and I'd deny it when you mention it to me), it probably means I have no idea what shit I'm feeling and am just feeling lost like a freaking lamb. That lump behind your throat when you wanna cry but you don't know what for. The need to just listen to sad songs so I'd have a reason as to why I'm feeling down. I try to make things simple but unfortunately, nothing goes my way. Or maybe I'm just an ungrateful bitch.

I'm sorry.

Labels: Daily rant