Miles away from where I should be.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012 // 0 comment(s)

Is it me, or everybody else?

If you know me well, I really hate to get too close to people because that's when I'll find out about their little habits and hidden thoughts that are well, hidden before I really know them. It's not that I'm picky about friends. I'm nice to everybody. I look a little fierce that's all, blame the genes on my dad. We seriously have the same stern look but when I talk to people I don't know, at least now I try really hard to be all smiley and bubbly just to make things less awkward. Yes, I do try hard in friendships because I realize, what is life without friends? I admit I'm still as straight forward as ever but I try to make things sound not so bad because I don't wanna offend anybody in the process.

But to be honest, friends were never my top priority, as in I'm not those girls who are super clingy to friends and will throw tantrums if my best friend suddenly grows close to another person. Oh one situation excluded though where two of my friends get together, as in couple up, and ignore the world. I really hate that, especially when both whom I care about neglect their studies just to spend time with each other. I think it's super immature and plain stupid. It's just not worth it and I'm right about it not gonna work out because the two of you have broken up. (yes I'm talking about a specific couple here) But well, it's kinda hard to use your brain if you don't have one right?

My parents asked me, If you're always annoyed by part of people's personalities, then what do you expect? You wanna find perfect friends?

I gave it a thought. No, I'm not saying I need my friends to be perfect. Nobody can be. I then concluded, I don't mind if my friends are lame, loud, quiet, act like a know-it-all or etc but if guys who I'm gonna care for more than friends, then I will mind. I will start to be annoyed at their attitude or personality because I just don't think I can be close to these kind of people, especially even closer than usual friends. I'm insulted if other people associate me with the said guys I mentioned, like seriously. You can see the annoyance on my face, I don't bother hiding emotions sometimes. It's the little things that make me distant myself, I mean, come on, there will be some flaws you cannot stand in people right? There has to be.

Another thing, guys nowadays are so childish and immature. I mean, it's okay for friends to be that way because it's kinda fun to be around them, talking nonsense most of the time. But for someone who wanna be with me and for someone with the.. ahem.. potential to be, I cannot accept that you're more immature than me seriously. Like, how the hell you come up with such a lame idea or joke whatever. I just stare at them disbelievingly. Dude, are you freaking serious? Is this some kind of reality show? You don't have to act older, just act your age, I'll be more than glad. I know they care, I know they mean well, but I cannot. When I look at a potential relationship, I look at it as forever. Nothing less.

Next thought is, I'm full of flaws myself, so why do people still love me? How do they accept me as a whole? I don't get it.

I suppose there has to be a threshold of love and affection enough for you to overlook someone's flaws and whatnot. I just need to find the someone that I can do that for. I found him once but he got away. Life sucks, my professor said. It's true, damn true. No doubt I'm going through a phase where everybody questions how come I don't have a boyfriend yet.


I'm freakin 19. A lot of friends are 19 or 20 years old and haven't been with anyone before too. It's just that we're careful. We just don't want to go through unnecessary breakups because our medicine course is too hectic for us to be moping and crying and complaining every single day. But funny how I have time to type out this post.

Nah, the right time will come, a friend told me. 

Now talking about a specific couple in my class. They've known each other for only two months and they got together already. There are two kinds of couples: one where everybody says they'll break up and hope they'll get off each other's faces, second where everyone goes 'aww so cute'. They are the latter. They look good together. And today when my friend told the girl that her facebook friend said she's pretty, the guy went like, 'Yeah she's so pretty right?' and looked at her lovingly. I mean, how cute is that? No sarcasm intended here, I'm truly happy for a couple for once.

Well, there are some annoying couples around who break up constantly and get together with another human being, pretending their past relationships didn't mean anything to them, saying 'my best boyfriend ever' in every single new relationship. Aren't they tired? Of falling in love and falling out of it? Doesn't it at least hurt? Why are these people so heartless nowadays? I just can't.

I'm not ready to trust. I'm not ready to hurt. I'm not ready for anything, for anyone at all.

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