My dad asked me to pretend I'm normal during NS. As in, don't complain, don't use the fan, don't scream, don't be pissy, don't look so damned fierce and all. He said to pretend I'm happy, pretend I like whatever there is to like, pretend I'm fine. No worries, I'm actually good at all those already if no one knows that I am good already.

If I want it to be known, I will and I won't hide. If I want it to be a secret, it's easy to hide and pretend. Normally those secrets are private, nothing to do with gossips and hatred or whatever. If I don't like you, I don't. I won't even bother pretending that I do because what's the point of going through so much trouble for someone I don't like? That is precisely why I can't stand every friend that I have. Now that I think of it, I have no friends now. I'll start all over again and probably find a true friend for my own sake. Or maybe I won't since it's not that important anyway.

I'll be off in a week's time. That's all I've got before I run off to an unknown campsite to die there. If I make it back here alive, I'll be here after 2 and half months.

Shut up, emo self.

***********

Ok finishing Playful Kiss, finally. I REALLY HATE THOSE KISSING SCENES OK. I feel like Hyunjoong is freakin cheating on me. Urgh acnyejelwpafmwow!! Btw his smile is so awesome I fell in love with him all over again, is this even possible? How can you love someone so much and feel that you fall in love with that person again? JAEMIDA! ;D

I might be tagging along with sis and her friends for movie tmrw. Yay. Because I'm so sien rn hmph. I'll upload some pics kthxbai.

***********


SS501 영원히 사랑


얼마 전 슈퍼 주니어를 사랑 나든간에, 당신은 여전히 최고!

<3

Labels: Rants, SS501

The man was right in front of you. He was comfortably slumped onto that red couch, one arm embracing a lucky pillow, another arm holding that glass of wine you offered to him. Why is he even here if he’s not gonna say anything at all, you thought. You continued staring and your mind incidentally wondered off to a better world.

You noticed the way he’d moan aloud everytime you touched a certain sensitive spot on his clavicle, that delightfully sexy bone. When mouth against mouth, you’d melt into his warm embrace, into that pair of arms that seemed to be ready to catch you whenever you ever fell. But what if you fell in love with him, would he catch you? His slightly ruffled soft brown hair, smooth as always, gleaming under that dim candle light. You’d sink your fingers into that sea of hair that usually covered part of his beautiful face. His eyes, tunnel straight to his soul, defined his personality, random and fun, the way you liked it. You shivered when his palm, as large as it may looked, warm and left that fuzzy feeling when removed it from the crook of your cheek.


Then, he took a painfully slow sip from the glass, leaving a smudge of vapour on the edge of the glass, swallowing the wine only after he rolled it to savour its taste. You ached in places you never knew existed as you watched that man tease you like this, or maybe he wasn’t but it sure did feel that way. You suddenly felt the need to be somewhere else, anywhere else. When he crossed his long legs and hugged onto that despicable pillow harder and whispered, ‘Cold.’ You never wanted to hug someone that much, out of love and also you wanted him to be warm and nice. Since you couldn’t, you moved your hands and hid them below your thighs, like a reassurance.

He slipped a hand under your shirt and made you gasp, a low throaty moan followed after. Your back arched instinctively, a natural reaction. You whimpered when his hands left you feeling cold air slapping against your skin. You opened your eyes to find him looking at you with such intensity that your skin burned. When he whispered the 3 words you longed to hear so much, you felt the world becoming colourful, you saw hope.


A year before. You were happily enjoying your school life. You attended the Film Club. You read Othello. You ate canteen food. You tripped and fell like everybody else but he was always there to catch you. You didn’t know why either. Books, teachers but mostly him after that. He was everywhere you went, he was all that you saw. You tried avoiding him because he had a girlfriend after all. Her name was Haneul. She was gorgeous, no other words. She always thought you were a pain in her neck when you didn’t even do anything. Apparently, you tried to steal him away. Yeah right. Would he ever choose you over her? No. Then you heard the sound of your own heart breaking.

You hid. When he came walking towards you, you turned back and scurried off to a small corner as you saw Haneul stopped him halfway and embraced him into an open-mouthed kiss. You slumped down against the wall and tried to shrink yourself to the smallest possible size. You put your head between your knees and tried to breathe without letting your tears of weakness to fall. Then, you felt someone settling next to you.

‘I broke up with her,’ he said.

‘WHY? You guys are like the perfect couple everybody envies,’ you exclaimed.

‘Including you?’

‘Well..’ Wait. Was he teasing? You raised your hand to hit him but his strong hand caught you and within seconds, his face and yours were merely a breath away. You looked away, out of embarrassment. Does he know that I like him?, you thought.

‘If you think any harder, you’d be talking,’ he whispered and then there was no more space left between you and him. You had always wondered how his lips would taste like so when you finally realized that you’re kissing, you smiled and you thought he felt it because then, he smiled too.

You were happy. You used to be.

One day, you found a letter on his desk. It was from Haneul and lots of little hearts on the envelope. You knew it was wrong but when driven by curiousity, you gave up trust. That was one mistake. After you read the letter, it wasn’t a mistake anymore. It saved you, from more pain.

‘What’s this letter for?’ you shook the letter vigorously in front of him. ‘WHY?’

He closed his eyes shut, as if weary of you. ‘You don’t trust me. Maybe we should take a break from each other for awhile.’

‘Fine.’ It wasn’t. It never was. Then he walked away and never looked back once. Later, you heard that it was because Haneul was sick. He blamed himself so he swore to look after her. After she died, he blamed himself even more. Nowadays, he was better though.

Not long after, he ended up on your red couch. Now. I didn’t know what he wanted. After that, he whispered once again, ‘I’m cold. Come here.’ You tucked your hands into your jacket pocket, to make sure you wouldn’t do anything humiliating. As stiffly as possible, you inched towards him and sat on that same red couch, knees touching. You decided that that was too close, just when you were about to move an inch away from him, he wrapped his strong arm around your shoulder and pulled you so you were lying directly on his chest.

‘Can you hear my heart beating? It’s beating for only you.’

You looked up at him and saw the sincerity in his eyes. You started to say something but the next thing you knew, he shut you up by smashing his lips to yours. You closed my eyes and savoured that kiss. Then, he pulled away.

‘You know a secret? Me, Heo Young Saeng, has always loved you.’

‘Why isn’t there any words amazing enough invented to describe you?’ you wondered aloud.

When he smiled, you were alive.

Labels: Fanfic, SS501, Young Saeng

‘ I’ll make you mine one day,’ That was what Hyunjoong said before leaving me forever, leaving me to be together with the man I loved, Jungmin.

A YEAR BEFORE.

‘Jungmin ya, why do you keep throwing nonsense parties? I don’t even enjoy birthday parties that much,’ I said with a slight pout. I looked around me and saw celebrities tripping over each other, doing body shots and kissing random people with no fear of the paparazzi, at all. I rubbed my eyes, weary of how celebrities did things and how they thought that they are gods when in fact, they were just entertainers, with gifts to sing or dance or merely talk. As Jungmin was pulled away by an actress I didn’t even bother knowing, I stumbled through the crazy horde that formed around the bar and managed to finally inhale air that weren’t all polluted by cigarette smoke. I closed my eyes and then felt a really gentle arm closing around my waist, pulling me closer and then before I could even see who that gentle arm belong to, that person stole a kiss from me by gently smashing our lips together. I almost melted into that kiss with the stranger but it wasn’t a stranger when I opened my eyes. It was Hyunjoong. Hyunjoong kissed me. I enjoyed Hyunjoong’s kiss. I said, ‘Sorry,’pushed Hyunjoong away and went back to the party and searched for Jungmin.
I needed Jungmin. I needed Jungmin to tell me it was alright, it was okay, it was a mistake. I couldn’t stand myself, I became just like all these celebrities, kissing anyone and everyone else they probably didn’t even know. But where the hell is Jungmin? That was when I saw him, leaning over the bar counter, locking his beautiful lips with an idol star from Caramel or something similar to it. You know, when people talked about heartbreaking, I never knew you could really literally hear your heart break, bit by bit. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from that scene that I knew would make me sick even after ten years. That was also when I felt the same gentle strong arm hugged my shoulder and began to lead me away, away from the party, away from that building, away from Jungmin and all the pain he caused me.
That one week was: Hyunjoong, tears, sleepless nights, tears, phone calls,and Hyunjoong. Nothing from Jungmin except for a text.
From: Minnie
‘Sup babe?
I ignored that and filled my week with more tears.

A YEAR LATER.

After that week, Jungmin came to me and begged for forgiveness. I forgave him and continued loving him, but to my horror, I realized that it wasn’t Jungmin that I talk to when I’m saddest anymore, I automatically dial #1 on my phone and #1 was Hyunjoong to me. I didn’t admit that to anybody, not even to myself, what more Jungmin. Jungmin didn’t know, Hyunjoong didn’t either, I wasn’t sure myself. This went on until Hyunjoong confessed, on his knees, a ring and a sincere heart I couldn’t bear to break. But I was with Jungmin. Hyunjoong didn’t accept the rejection well and swore to return two years later to claim me as his.

2 YEARS LATER.

The wind was chilly on that fateful winter night. I wrapped my beige coat closer to contain the warmth because I may still needed to be alive for my own wedding. Jungmin. He proposed. I said yes. I didn’t love him anymore. Him, more girls, more random kisses. He said it was to excite his life even more.
‘You understand this, don’t you?’
‘I guess.’
Then he went on with his sickening lifestyle I had to bear each painful day. I wanted to call off the wedding but he had seemed sincere when proposing but not after. I didn’t know what to think.
When Hyunjoong returned and met up with me, he said he had heard what Jungmin did to me. He practically shouted all Jungmin’s sins and that caused me to be on the brink of breaking down.
‘Leave him. Or I’ll make him leave you,’ Hyunjoong said, stern.
‘No. I ca-ca-can’t. We’re getting married.’ This was when an unfaithful tear slowly slide down my face and Hyunjoong briefly flicked it away.
‘He doesn’t care about you. I do. Trust me.’
I couldn’t take it anymore and nodded as hard as I could with more tears threatening to spill. Hyunjoong inched closer and embraced me In the warmest hug ever. Slowly, he bent down and we relived the kiss we both shared on that party night. I love him.

Labels: Fanfic, Hyun Joong, SS501

We stayed over at aunt's apartment again last night. We had breakfast and I loved my Yong Chow fried rice. I wanna taste Hangeng's Beijing fried rice one day. That was random. Let's pretend I didn't just typed that out. I seriously won. I played badminton with my brother and won. Jogged Walked on the treadmill while watching Witness At Prosecution or something similar to that. Drove my brother for his tennis training but the coach ended up ffk my brother and while waiting for that irresponsible coach, I played tennis with my brother and I can play, I believe. Later, we're going to pologround to umm, maybe jog a bit and badminton. FYI, my brother got Tan Boon Heong's badminton racquet, shirt and pants from TBH's dad so he's extremely excited, it's okay. I can exercise too! :D

****

It's exceptionally easy for you to do according to whatever you want. You are selfish. You don't sit down and think what's best for other people, okay maybe you don't really have to sit down and all but why not pause for a second to think what's the impact of your irresponsible actions on others? Seriously, everyone else may not be thinking about others all the time but at least we are average in everything we do. We may hurt people but also, it's always unintentional. Unlike what you do. You can only think about you and yourself. I don't see the point in hurting someone who actually trusts you, unlike the rest of us. That someone is kind and ends up being used by you. I think I should stay away because I don't like you and everything about you.

****

It was always easy for me to slack and do nothing because, I don't know, because things were always easier last time? Maybe. Now, it's getting harder and it's weighing on me I can hardly breathe. The tons and tons of everything, homework, exams, lectures, lies and sorrow. When am I going to be truly happy again? I found something that makes me happy and yet everyone and everyone else is trying to pull me away but I don't give up. I stay on and strong.

****


You never knew why I left
I couldn't tell and let you wept
Your tears like the rain
All over but clear and sane.


Maybe, just maybe one day you would understand
All the things I did and never did
Forgive me and take me back
I never meant to hurt and never had.


****


My favourite number is 4, just like you.

****

I MISS XANGA. andpong. SM TOWN CONCERT IN LA JUST ENDED SIGHS.

Labels: Babbles, Heechul, Poem, Random thoughts, SS501

#believeinSS501
♥

Labels: SS501

5555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555

That's all I need, 5 forever.

Please, not another one. I need peace and haengbok. Please.

I LOVE 5

Labels: SS501

I crossed my fingers but I guess this is yet another thing that went against my wish.
I'm never a lucky person.

Labels: Hyun Joong, SS501

Emits sorrow
That mocks the crow
Always there
Like warmth in the clouds
Hairstyle fashion sense
We all allow
Because that's that and that we love
Haters are fakers that annoy us
We just wanna get rid of losers
If you dislike then off you go
Because no one bothers so shoo.


*

Kyu ah Kyu please have Twitter
Because your Wookie is also here
I need you to update me on you
I need you to tell me you're okay.

*

Okay tomorrow is my driving test. This is scary. I'm freaking out. I'm so sleepy. Maybe I should sleep now. After 6 hours of nap. Awesome. Shit. What if I fail? I have to retake the test. T.T NO NO NO. I'm freaking out somebody help me shit! Bugger. Whatever la. After tomorrow I need to watch movie and finish my holiday homework. Bugger bugger bugger. FML FML FML.

*

GOOD NEWS IS WOOKIE HAS GOT TWITTER YAY HE GAVE IN! RYEOWOOK OPPA!
BAD NEWS IS HEE IS SAD. SIGH. SARANGHAEYOKIMHEECHUL.
AWESOME NEWS IS SS3 MIGHT BE HELD IN FEB 2011. NEXT YEAR! :DDDD
GOOD NEWS IS MINNIE IS SO CONCERNED AWW THE LOVE.


*

:) Yes we love that big sexy smile. Shit. 
You do know that you'll always be the most handsome person to me right? 
당신을 사랑합니다
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
생일 축하해 - 현 정에
Oh and that solo dance? That's amazing.
:D

Labels: Babbles, Celebration, Hyun Joong, Poem, SS501, Super Junior

Exams are over. I need to register this fact and be happy about it. Actually I'm not really excited about the fact is because I got another source of happiness. And yes, them.


Sandra, Jing and me went and ate at Johnny's and saw sooo many people including Pn Soraya, our class teacher. I bought some mags and korean dictionaries. Yes I'm super happy now. I still need my mum to buy me this week's Galaxie with Ronaldo on the cover and Jay Chou's new album. NOW!


Kyu, get well soon. SuJu needs you. We need you. You can't let poor Donghae cover all your moves. Because we want to see you at it. And you cannot miss another win. Your third win. Yes I know SuJu is going to win again. So, get well.


All out SuJu talks came true. Yea they appeared on Dream Team. I can't wait. 


Music Bank has started. I'm out. Happily. :)


PS: Probably everyone expected my after-exam blogpost to be happier but I can't be happy until my Kyu recovers and until I see my babies on stage, SS501 and SuJu.

Labels: Celebration, Daily life, SS501, Super Junior