Heart in my throat.
Saturday, April 6, 2013 // 0 comment(s)


That's what my dad describes me as.

It seems like I've breezed through exams all my life. I study so little but expect so much. However I learnt to sooner or later to not expect anything if I don't put in effort. So now, I can't say I've studied enough but at least I know that I've studied everything that is taught. So my university decides that it's funny to see me flop over and just die, they proceed to set the questions to difficulty level of maximum. Thanks.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO SAD AFTER TAKING AN EXAM. To be honest, I cried a few times just thinking about how my results will be. Whether I'll pass or I'll really be the flop of the family and fail. Every morning when I wake up and every night before sleeping, I'd think and think and think. Endlessly. So I just pray that whatever I've done is good enough.

It's really depressing if I'm to fail at this. To think you've spent so so so much time studying and actually worked hard for this. To think you've come so close yet it's so far away. To think how much a disappointment you'd be to your parents and everyone who thought of you as an intelligent person. To think how much sadness I'd feel piling on me, suffocating me.

Okay, it's actually not as bad as you think it is. It's just my 1st professional MBBS exam. If I fail this time, I can actually retake. But I have to first be robbed of my 6-week semester break and study for another 6 weeks. That's frigging depressing. Think about it. Mainly because for my course, our semester breaks are usually only one-week long!

Am I a clever person? That's what everyone says but I certainly don't feel so, at all. Firstly, intelligence is not judged merely on your results. Even so, my results aren't even remotely close to good. People keep saying, you put in so little effort but you manage to still stay in the top class throughout. Well, yes. But I'm still not the top 10 students in my class! Plus, being in this course for a year, my self-esteem became non-existent. Hello? All these smarties in my class. How do they even manage to do so well? How?

Then I started thinking that I can't possibly be the best, there will always be someone better than the best. I can only continue to do my best and hope for the best.

The one thing that matters most for now is that, I pass my 1st professional MBBS exam and I can proceed to year 2! 

And this is an unglam picture of me laughing. Shot by Seng Hoo. On my birthday <3 p="">


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