It's not about what I want. It's about what I can have but not want.

Imagine seeing every other girl with a certain handbag and how happy they all look after getting it. You don't really want it but you think of how you can actually afford it and you start to think whether it'll make you happy as well. So you decide to buy it. Then you realize, you don't want it at all, you don't need it and it actually saddens you when the bag starts to rot and you have to throw it away in the end. Then you decide to never buy a handbag just because everyone else has it and you decide to never believe a same thing will give the same happiness to you.

Because you're different. 

Labels: Random thoughts

Why, why is it so difficult for people to actually care for their friends and listen when they need to talk? Why is it so damn difficult to just be there and listen? I mean, how difficult is that? I can never understand.

I've learnt to rarely tell anyone anything or even to rant because I know no one actually cares shit about me and that they are not willing to listen what I've got to say. But friends told me to open up or else feelings are gonna be forever cooped up within me and it's unhealthy.

It's not that I didn't try. I honestly tried. And god, what feels worse than so-called bunch of friends who just laugh your problems off and literally connect your frigging problem to theirs, then conveniently change the topic back to them? Like wow, you must be more important than me because we're always, always only talking about your problem.

It's because I'm a listener. I'm willing to listen. You come to me with any problem, I might not be able to help out but at least I try to talk and make you talk so you'd feel better. I will be actually worried if my friends are not okay.

So why can't anyone do the same for me? 

Labels: Rants

Precarious.

That's what my dad describes me as.

It seems like I've breezed through exams all my life. I study so little but expect so much. However I learnt to sooner or later to not expect anything if I don't put in effort. So now, I can't say I've studied enough but at least I know that I've studied everything that is taught. So my university decides that it's funny to see me flop over and just die, they proceed to set the questions to difficulty level of maximum. Thanks.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO SAD AFTER TAKING AN EXAM. To be honest, I cried a few times just thinking about how my results will be. Whether I'll pass or I'll really be the flop of the family and fail. Every morning when I wake up and every night before sleeping, I'd think and think and think. Endlessly. So I just pray that whatever I've done is good enough.

It's really depressing if I'm to fail at this. To think you've spent so so so much time studying and actually worked hard for this. To think you've come so close yet it's so far away. To think how much a disappointment you'd be to your parents and everyone who thought of you as an intelligent person. To think how much sadness I'd feel piling on me, suffocating me.

Okay, it's actually not as bad as you think it is. It's just my 1st professional MBBS exam. If I fail this time, I can actually retake. But I have to first be robbed of my 6-week semester break and study for another 6 weeks. That's frigging depressing. Think about it. Mainly because for my course, our semester breaks are usually only one-week long!

Am I a clever person? That's what everyone says but I certainly don't feel so, at all. Firstly, intelligence is not judged merely on your results. Even so, my results aren't even remotely close to good. People keep saying, you put in so little effort but you manage to still stay in the top class throughout. Well, yes. But I'm still not the top 10 students in my class! Plus, being in this course for a year, my self-esteem became non-existent. Hello? All these smarties in my class. How do they even manage to do so well? How?

Then I started thinking that I can't possibly be the best, there will always be someone better than the best. I can only continue to do my best and hope for the best.

The one thing that matters most for now is that, I pass my 1st professional MBBS exam and I can proceed to year 2! 

And this is an unglam picture of me laughing. Shot by Seng Hoo. On my birthday <3 p="">

Labels: Rants

I sleep a lot, during the day. I'm nocturnal. I don't have a choice you see. Football is usually late at night and it's just so much more peaceful to be online, read or listen to music at night.

I get bored very fast. I can't focus when I'm studying. Like after 10 minutes of studying, I have the urge to do something else. I can't play a game for more than a few months too, I just lose interest quickly.

I like spicy food.

I used to have a very very bad temper. I still do actually but it's so much better now, even I noticed.

If you wanna ask me out, bribe me with movie and Japanese food. That'll do.

Favourite artiste ever: Jay Chou.

I have a soft spot for babies and puppies.

I'm way too honest and straightforward.

I can't act because acting means having to be fake and I can't be fake.

I can't sing.

My favourite colour changes every now and then. For now, it's red and mint green.

Favourite beverage: water.

I like to paint my nails a lot.

I will never understand why some girls like to spend all their money on useless branded things. When like all other cheap handbags, the expensive ones rot too.

I'm actually quite sensitive to a lot of things but I just won't show it because I hate having people to feel bad for me. So I always act nonchalant.

I personally think I'm quite observant. I notice a lot of things because I like to watch people quietly, not in the creepy way though.

I like to look at the sky.

I've seen a meteor once.

I like guys with broad shoulders.

The first thing I look in people is their eyes. Or hair. Depends.

Batman > Spiderman.

Favourite cartoons are Tom & Jerry, Popeye the Sailorman, Scooby Doo and Spongebob Squarepants.

I don't eat tofu and mushrooms.

I love rain.

I don't know how to put on make up.

Labels: Random, tag

有时候，无论你做什么，有意往你坏的方面想的人，怎样都会把你单纯做的事情看得很坏。大家怎样想我是个讲话直接，不顾别人感受的人，我也无所谓。可是尊严对我来说很重要，你不可以怀疑我的品格。我是个连小小一个糖果纸都不会丢在地上的人，诚实告诉老师她改错我的考卷而因为失去那一分第一次不及格的人，违反我原则的事情我都不会做。我从小就是这样被父母教的。
Pre-cny:



Cny:








Cny back in Ipoh:

Labels: Celebration, Pic Spam

Do you see me? Do you hear me?

I literally have no idea what I'm doing these days. I don't even know what I feel about most things, but mostly transient emotions I regret having later. I'm easily annoyed and angered by these days, it's like some part of the old me is back? I really hate this about myself though. Who the fuq am I to be angry? Why do people have to follow the principles of my life? I guess I should just be less opinionated, step back and let them do whatever they want as long as it doesn't involve me. I shouldn't have a say to correct anyone's wrongs or to change anything about anyone. Because who the fuq am I, after all? I guess this way I will offend less people?

It's been awhile since I become the emotionless person among my friends. I still laugh and shiz but I don't usually show personal feelings at all. I really don't know what I want to be honest. I know I'm getting more and more 'grey' nowadays, saying things like "we're gonna die soon anyway, chill" or "I don't expect anything but I expect myself to die quite soon, prolly a car accident". I don't wanna give out the negative aura but I can't help it. It's not my fault I just don't have any hopes in life. Like, everyone is really eager to graduate and see the world, but I'm not. Not really. I just immense myself in the past and present. I don't think about the future (because I think there is none for me) neither do I think about whether I'm ever gonna get married and have kids. I just don't think about all these things. Why? Do I not deserve what other people have too? Well, I've long promised to not get jealous about what others have and not hope for anything.

I should continue fulfilling that promise to myself.

Labels: Daily rant

...I seem like someone else.

#nowplaying I don't know how to love him - Jesus Christ Superstar

Exam's in 2 days time. Although this is only a 5% exam, I still feel scared? Scared that I might fail even though I think I've worked hard enough. Ask anyone who knew me before my foundation studies. They'll tell you I'm one lazy ass, you'll see my forever sleeping in class with books stacked in front and my mum will tell you that I'm "the laziest person ever on earth". It's true. It is only after I've done badly in my first foundation semester test that I try to buck up for the second semester test and yeah, I improved quite a lot. I thought that was my limit. Well, clearly not. I've never ever worked this hard until I enter my MBBS programme. But it doesn't seem adequate?

Tough or not, I still gotta go through this shit. After this exam, I'll have another one month of studies before having to face my first professional MBBS exam. I will die, it is confirmed. Like, I struggle so much for only one-month worth of stuff. Imagine having to memorize one-year worth of knowledge. I may not survive. Wish me all the best. Dramatic bye-bye.

Also, I've been really confused. As my friends say, I really do over think. Not sometimes. Almost all the damn time.




From 2012 to 2013.








HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAVE A GREAT 2013!

Labels: Celebration, Pic Spam

Christmas doesn't hold any significance to me but seeing how everybody else is out with their friends and family, all dressed up for the occasion, being carefree and maybe, merely happy that they're not lonely, I feel a little empty.

Even my own family is eating out somewhere, probably just laughing at every small joke there is, gossiping about people, talking about random silly things. Usually mum, the sister and brother will stop eating once they're full, then dad will be pause after gobbling down the remaining dishes for some time to realise that everyone has stopped eating. He'll then be nagging in a cute way saying how everyone doesn't eat at all and make him eat everything, causing him to have indigestion later for sure. After dinner, they'd probably go for a drive around Ipoh. I'm imagining there'll be Christmas decorations around town, all ready for tomorrow. Clubs and restaurants everywhere will surely be full for everyone is taking this chance for all family members to gather around and have a good meal together.

I thought of painting my nails just for Christmas but, what for? No one is gonna see it anyway, no one is here around me anyway.

Labels: Celebrations, Random thoughts