Saturday, December 3, 2011 // 0 comment(s)
A sudden emptiness I feel somewhere deep inside me. As if there's a hole that nobody and nothing can ever fill. I don't know who and what caused these scars but they're never gonna disappear. It's carved onto me, it's carved permanently and affecting me more than I will ever admit. I don't know how to deal with emotional feelings because I just don't like the thought of exposing my feelings, even to myself. I feel naked somehow. I think this is why I prefer to be emotionless and expressionless. This way, nobody can hurt me. This way, nobody knows they hurt me. This way, I don't have to let anyone know that I hurt alone everyday, that deep inside me, I actually feel the hurt. I just won't admit it up front. I'm trying to be stronger than how I am. I'm trying to be as strong as how I look. I'm trying to be too strong for my own good. It doesn't matter in the end, because nobody cares enough to ask. Nobody understands. This is why I don't tell anyone anything, because people judge. I don't need anymore judgmental people who think they're so great they can understand and give me advice. I really don't need anymore nonsense in my life. I'm already too screwed up. I just.. I think I wanna be alone forever. This way, I can hide within myself forever.
Where is the someone who can love me for my flaws, understands me emotionally, accompanies me throughout my journey and someone who is proud to have me? Do I have to wait forever?