It's not about what I want. It's about what I can have but not want.

Imagine seeing every other girl with a certain handbag and how happy they all look after getting it. You don't really want it but you think of how you can actually afford it and you start to think whether it'll make you happy as well. So you decide to buy it. Then you realize, you don't want it at all, you don't need it and it actually saddens you when the bag starts to rot and you have to throw it away in the end. Then you decide to never buy a handbag just because everyone else has it and you decide to never believe a same thing will give the same happiness to you.

Because you're different. 

Labels: Random thoughts

Why, why is it so difficult for people to actually care for their friends and listen when they need to talk? Why is it so damn difficult to just be there and listen? I mean, how difficult is that? I can never understand.

I've learnt to rarely tell anyone anything or even to rant because I know no one actually cares shit about me and that they are not willing to listen what I've got to say. But friends told me to open up or else feelings are gonna be forever cooped up within me and it's unhealthy.

It's not that I didn't try. I honestly tried. And god, what feels worse than so-called bunch of friends who just laugh your problems off and literally connect your frigging problem to theirs, then conveniently change the topic back to them? Like wow, you must be more important than me because we're always, always only talking about your problem.

It's because I'm a listener. I'm willing to listen. You come to me with any problem, I might not be able to help out but at least I try to talk and make you talk so you'd feel better. I will be actually worried if my friends are not okay.

So why can't anyone do the same for me? 

Labels: Rants

Precarious.

That's what my dad describes me as.

It seems like I've breezed through exams all my life. I study so little but expect so much. However I learnt to sooner or later to not expect anything if I don't put in effort. So now, I can't say I've studied enough but at least I know that I've studied everything that is taught. So my university decides that it's funny to see me flop over and just die, they proceed to set the questions to difficulty level of maximum. Thanks.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO SAD AFTER TAKING AN EXAM. To be honest, I cried a few times just thinking about how my results will be. Whether I'll pass or I'll really be the flop of the family and fail. Every morning when I wake up and every night before sleeping, I'd think and think and think. Endlessly. So I just pray that whatever I've done is good enough.

It's really depressing if I'm to fail at this. To think you've spent so so so much time studying and actually worked hard for this. To think you've come so close yet it's so far away. To think how much a disappointment you'd be to your parents and everyone who thought of you as an intelligent person. To think how much sadness I'd feel piling on me, suffocating me.

Okay, it's actually not as bad as you think it is. It's just my 1st professional MBBS exam. If I fail this time, I can actually retake. But I have to first be robbed of my 6-week semester break and study for another 6 weeks. That's frigging depressing. Think about it. Mainly because for my course, our semester breaks are usually only one-week long!

Am I a clever person? That's what everyone says but I certainly don't feel so, at all. Firstly, intelligence is not judged merely on your results. Even so, my results aren't even remotely close to good. People keep saying, you put in so little effort but you manage to still stay in the top class throughout. Well, yes. But I'm still not the top 10 students in my class! Plus, being in this course for a year, my self-esteem became non-existent. Hello? All these smarties in my class. How do they even manage to do so well? How?

Then I started thinking that I can't possibly be the best, there will always be someone better than the best. I can only continue to do my best and hope for the best.

The one thing that matters most for now is that, I pass my 1st professional MBBS exam and I can proceed to year 2! 

And this is an unglam picture of me laughing. Shot by Seng Hoo. On my birthday <3 p="">

Labels: Rants