I'll take what I get.
Saturday, November 17, 2012 // 0 comment(s)
"You're different now. It's like, you become more matured."
Life taught me one thing: you hope for too much, you expect too much, you get disappointed as much. I used to believe in promises once upon a time. I used to believe everything people tell me. But that one time, I got behind the scenes and had my chance to look how people plot their thoughts and how they portray their lies, I got scared, I got disgusted and then I became the same. Because if I don't, how will I understand and see through these people? Because if I don't, I'll be lied to countless of times without even knowing it. This kind of explains why now when anyone promises me anything at all, I'd just smile and look at them skeptically and conveniently forget whatever that are promised to me. It's better, in my opinion. If the promises are not broken, then I'd be happily surprised. But if they are broken, I won't even know. I admit I can be deluded and I want to be. I lie to myself a lot and it works. So why the hell not?
I lie that I don't feel sad, I lie that I don't have emotions, I lie that I'm okay, I lie that everything doesn't matter, I lie a lot. I lie so much that even I believe myself and I successfully put myself in the numb state so I don't feel anything. This is the truth. I'm not lying this time round. I literally won't feel anything sometimes when I don't want to, as long as I don't talk or think about it. This is also why most of the time, I don't talk about personal things or feelings, if anyone noticed at all. I don't immediately expect everyone to be who I think of them to be anymore, instead I try to hold onto the things they've said, only if they mean it. If you can't even try to not break promises, then I'm sorry, this is when you officially lose that 10% trust I have in you. Not like this is a big deal, I won't hate you, I just won't trust you. To me it's nothing but it seems like trusting each other is a huge deal to everyone else, so it's more to your loss than mine. That is all I wanna say.